Recovery

Recovery means more than loving your body

In fact,

I don’t think loving your body is even part of it.

Sometimes it comes-

Confidence slips in as compulsions slip away

But some days

Maybe even most days

Are hating it,

But caring for it anyways.

Recovery is walking away from the mirror

Not grabbing at my skin

Getting dinner anyways.

Recovery is in spite of the hiccups yelling at me

To rid myself of what floods me with

Guilt

It is choosing to sit through the discomfort-

Honoring my needs

Despite my wants,

Recovery can be torture.

I thought my eating disorder was willpower

But no.

This is willpower.

This is dedication.

Commitment to myself has been harder

Than any commitment to restrict or binge or purge or exercise.

Commitment to this body is the

Hardest fight of my life.

But, in some moments

It feels easy

In some moments

I feel free

In some moments

I feel confident

And these moments will last longer and happen more if I keep fighting

So it is worth every battle scar

It is worth eating every meal despite the screams

It is worth my willpower

And my body is worth my care

Even if it scares me,

Terrifies me,

Disgust me.

I have the willpower to nourish my body

And that is recovery