- Jessica Goldman\
Recovery
Recovery means more than loving your body
In fact,
I don’t think loving your body is even part of it.
Sometimes it comes-
Confidence slips in as compulsions slip away
But some days
Maybe even most days
Are hating it,
But caring for it anyways.
Recovery is walking away from the mirror
Not grabbing at my skin
Getting dinner anyways.
Recovery is in spite of the hiccups yelling at me
To rid myself of what floods me with
Guilt
It is choosing to sit through the discomfort-
Honoring my needs
Despite my wants,
Recovery can be torture.
I thought my eating disorder was willpower
But no.
This is willpower.
This is dedication.
Commitment to myself has been harder
Than any commitment to restrict or binge or purge or exercise.
Commitment to this body is the
Hardest fight of my life.
But, in some moments
It feels easy
In some moments
I feel free
In some moments
I feel confident
And these moments will last longer and happen more if I keep fighting
So it is worth every battle scar
It is worth eating every meal despite the screams
It is worth my willpower
And my body is worth my care
Even if it scares me,
Terrifies me,
Disgust me.
I have the willpower to nourish my body
And that is recovery